Top 5 Tips for Enjoying Zelda Triforce Heroes (and why it isn't like a threesome)

I've been enjoying The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes on the Nintendo 3DS for about a week. I've mostly been playing online with strangers, since between running my Kickstarter for Full-Cast Audio Drama based on Chaos Reborn and looking after my daughter, one or two quick dungeon raids every couple of hours is the best I can fit in.

The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes is a game which takes some of the basic puzzles from The Legend of Zelda series and splits the tools for completion between three players. A co-op game, it requires teams to work together by combining skills, picking up each others' avatars to for a totem and communication using only 8 simple emoticons.

The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes - Communication Panel

I've had some good games and I've had some bad games. It strikes me that the best way to make Triforce Heroes a great experience starts with looking at your own behaviour. What should we called this Zelda etiquette? I wanted something snappy, like "Tri-fiquette", but that's terrible. I thought maybe Etiqulink", but I'm not sure it's even pronounceable. I'm settling with "Zeldiquette." Zeldiquette, as a phrase describing good behaviour in Triforce Heroes is only irksome to me for the same reason as my irritation at this game being called "The Legend of Zelda." ZELDA IS NOT EVEN IN IT!

That aside, here are my 5 tips for good Zeldiquette.

Good Zeldiquette

5. Veiled Communication is Actually Part of the Game

I've read a lot of reviews of The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes which completely miss the point. Take this quote from Arcade Sushi

Really this game is only held back by limited communication options when playing with strangers. 

Limited communication is at the heart of this game. Have you ever played charades and thought, "well, it's a good game, but surely it would be better if the players spoke"? Nope. If there were voice or text communication in Triforce Heroes then gameplay would boil down to more experienced players leading you through each level step-by-step. There's no fun in being told the solution. That's grinding.

One of the most interesting games of recent years was Journey. That did an exceptionally good job of matching you with random internet co-op buddies and giving you limited communication ability. Triforce Heroes is similar.

Guiding other players to a solution

There's a lot of satisfaction in working it out for yourself, which is why the 8 emoticons available in each level are a good way of providing basic communication to work as a team, without robbing you of gameplay. There's a great feeling of accomplishment from figuring out a complex bit of a level together. It's just as fun if you know the solution and help guide your team to success using only the simplest of language tools.

4. Wheaton's Law Applies

In Triforce Heroes, you only get one chance to make a good impression.

Here's an equation:

• We all want to try playing The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes online with strangers at some point.
• None of us wants to get matched with a pain in the ass.
• The game makes it very easy to add players to a permanent blocklist.

The maths for that is very easy. If you behave rudely, every player you meet will block you on your first meeting. If that happens a lot, you're going to find yourself waiting in the lobby for connections for a very long time, because none of the regular players will want to play with you.

If you want to come across as friendly, remember to wave hello at your new team-mates when they join. No-one knows what to make of a player who stays silent, throws you at the starting Triforce and yells "Let's Go!" over and over.

Using the emoticons to celebrate success and good effort

3. It's The Opposite of a Threesome

I've heard lots of jokes on Facebook and other places about Triforce Heroes and threesomes. It's a fun gag for gamers who don't want to admit how attracted they are to each other. But there is a big difference between this game and a menage-a-trois and that is: the person in the middle is having the least fun.

However you organise a sexual threesome, the person in the middle is generally having the best time. But, when you form a three person totem in Triforce Heroes, spare a thought for the player in the middle. They don't get to use movement controls or items. They are willing passengers until such a time as the three-story target has been hit.

Forming a three-player totem to reach a high object

So, be nice. Everybody wants a chance to play. Being carried around a level by someone else is no fun. Put your co-op buddies down safely after they've helped with an objective.

2. There Can Be Multiple Solutions

I've done it myself. Another player and I are throwing icons at each other from opposite sides of a ravine, both yelling about how to reach the last balloon floating over the chasm.

The fact is, many of the puzzles in The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes can be overcome in multiple ways, given the tools at hand. I may favour wearing the Big Bomb Outfit and blasting the hell out of anything that moves (including other players) but someone else might have worked out that the same target can be hit from a ledge a little way over.

Tackling a boss together

So, rather that stubbornly following a tried and true path you know to work, why not listen to your fellow players and try what they are suggesting? Even if their approach doesn't work, it's much more enjoyable to try an idea and see the results than to have someone shout a solution over you, again and again. Unless it's against the timer, what do you really have to lose?

1. Above All, Be Patient

Good advice for all aspects of life, it's especially valuable when playing The Legend of Zelda: Triforce Heroes. If, like me, you're attempting your seventh run at Moblin Base to try and get a Sweet Shroom because for some reason your last few attempts have won you the Gohma's Eye six times in a row (the probability of which being a maddening 0.14%!). then it's fair to say you probably know the level pretty well.

Passing a active bomb between players

Here's a thought: One of your online party might not know the level at all. This might be their first visit. Continually spamming the "NO!" icon and throwing them around the level isn't going to be the best gameplay for you or your new buddy. Given time, they'd probably even figure out the level on their own, so be patient, try to use the emoticons helpfully and give them space to work it out. Be extra patient if you're on a time-challenge map with someone who didn't vote for it - it's not the best way to experience a level first time.

Christopher Jarvis is a writer, audio drama producer and co-host on the LaveRadio.com podcast and is best known for creating the science fiction series Elite: Escape Velocity. He is an avid gamer and is currently running a Kickstarter for Full-Cast Audio Drama based on the game Chaos Reborn.

3DS Swapnote Special Stationery List - trying to complete

Okay so I know I don't blog very much on this channel anymore. I'm mostly taken up with my Newbie GM blog, all about my Doctor Who Roleplaying experiences and Lave Radio, the Elite: Dangerous Podcast as well as Escape Velocity the full-cast audio drama based on Elite: Dangerous.

But, I am still an avid gamer and a bunch of us have been trying to figure out our Swapnote Special Stationery list, especially since the Swapnote Update in April 2013 gave us the ability to see how many we had each collected.

I've search the internet a bunch of times, but I can't find a list of Swapnote Special Stationeries I can understand, so I thought I'd make my own, based on the ones I have on my system. Hopefully my 3DS pals can send me the ones I'm missing.

I have 52 pieces of Swapnote Special Stationery at the time of writing (now 63 - see updates at bottom). My list is:

• Animal Crossing (insect outlines)
• Animal Crossing (Japanese - border of character faces)
• Art Academcy (Faint flowers in background)
• Bravely Default Flying Fairy (Character with giant speech bubble)
• Christmas Candy Cane, Baubles and falling stars
• Christmas Gift Bow and falling flowers
• Denpa RPG 2 (Japanese - Antenna Tower)
• Denpa RPG 2 (Japanese - Denpa Men in conga line holding a green cloth?)
• Denpa RPG 2 (Japanese - Family in fron of figure with bouquet)
• Denpa RPG 2 (Japanese - Girl sitting in front of pile of presents)
• Dillon's Rolling Western  (Faded paper poster)
• Dillon's Rolling Western (Rope outline with silhouettes)
• Dragon Quest Monsters (Japanese - Wood frame with vines)
• Dragon Quest Monsters (Slime silhouetees)
• Fallblox (2 columns of cartoon figures)
• Fire Emblem (Japanese - Row of pixel sprite figures across bottom)
• Fire Emblem Awakening (Character in front of faint world map)
• General - Beach with surfer silhouette
• General - Writing Paper/Pad with coloured lines
• Harmoknight (floating musical notes)
• I Fight Dragons (Photo booth faces with zooming figures)
• Lego City Undercover (group of 5 crooks)
• Lego City Undercover (police car)
• Luigi's Mansion (Ghosts zooming down corridor)
• Luigi's Mansion (side-scrolling ghosts)
• Mario and Sonic (Tennis and Fencing)
• Monster Hunter? (Cartoon Cat holding meat above head)
• Monster Hunter? (Cartoon Cat holding sword in front of waves)
• New Super Mario Bros 2 (Falling coins with gold mario and silver luigi)
• New Super Mario Bros 2 (Gold mario with fireball, ALONE, with falling coins and coin stack)
• New Super Mario Bros 2 (Luigi tripping with coins and Mario jumping)
• New Super Mario Bros 2 (Raccoon mario flying with scrolling coins)
• New Year Party Poppers with falling confetti
• Nintendo Direct (Japanese - Super Mario Land 8-bi scene with pagoda)
• Nintendo Direct (Nintendo Direct logo with Japanese pagoda with hills and fireworks, on blue stripe background)
• Nintendo Direct (Red top+bottom borders with map of europe)
• Nintendo Direct WiiU Black
• Nintendo E3 2012 with zooming bubbles
• Nintendogs and Cats (with reverse-zooming cloverleaves)
• Paper Mario Sticker Star (Mario with hammer in front of yellow checked background)
• Pokedex 3d Pro (Cartoon Genesect on white background)
• Pokemon Black/White 2 (Genesect on blue/purple background)
• Pokemon Black/White 2 (Genesect on grey background)
• Pokemon Mystery Dungeon (3 blue circles)
• Pokemon Mystery Dungeon (Blue)
• Pokemon Mystery Dungeon (Red)
• Swapnote Update (Flying letter with green baseline + pencil)
• The Legend of Zelda (Vine border with 6 pixel-sprite figures)
• Valentines (chocolate birds and falling flowers)
• Valentines (frame with stitched hearts)
• Valentines (Lace corners with zooming hearts)
• WiiU (Faint Miiverse in background)

UPDATE!

Since posting this appeal to my 3DS buddies I have had an excellent response from the lovely Alana who has provided me with the following additional swapnote special stationery:

• GameCenter CX (Japanese - Pixel art King on zooming starfield)
• Pokemon Black/White 2 (paper in two halves, black border left, white right, black and white Kyurem depicted)
• Super Mario 3D Land (Jumping mario with raccoon shadow on airmail border with logo)
• Mario Tennis Open (Peach on right with tennis balls scrolling left to right)
• Mario Tennis Open (Mario on left with tennis balls scrolling right to left)
• Monster Hunter? (Cartoon Cat holding playing card? with duck on head and pink background)
• Culdcept (Japanese - shows zooming rectangles with Manga girl in foreground, reads "Omiya Soft" in border)

UPDATE 2!

I also have the following stationery:

• Super Mario AR Card
• Mario and Donkey Kong - Minis on the Move
• Animal Crossing (Isabelle with zooming leaves)
• Monster Hunter 4 - Big English Logo and Silhouette Tribal Design

Novel Gamer Season 1 commentary

I write for GamePeople.co.uk under the name Novel Gamer. The basic concept was: rather than write standard critical reviews, I would try and express my thoughts about the experience of the game, or the reaction the game caused for me.

The name also refers to the way the reviews are presented as short stories. Taking the form of an allegory, Novel Gamer opens up a unique view into the world of a game. Sometimes seen as fan fiction, other times seen as an absurdist view of gaming and occasionally striking real entertainment gold. The first series of Novel Gamer ran for 20 episodes with podcast readings of the stories recorded by myself.

Over the next few weeks I'd like to look back at these stories and revisit why I wrote them the way I did. More soon.

Novel Gamer Episode Eight - Pilotwings Resort, or "Learning to fly"

This is the eighth episode of the popular online alternative review column "Novel Gamer", part of Game People, which specialises in real world, alternative and artistic reviews. Don't forget that a podcast is also available from the source of this article, here.

This week, awoken by a mysterious message on his computer screen, an invitation leads Geo to a waterside warehouse where he must ask himself: does the Matrix have him? Or is the truth about the other side of the screen far more incredible?

This weeks' Novel Gamer review is based on reactions to a pre-release launch experience of PilotWings and is a preview, than a review based on a full assessment of the game.

...Wake up Geo

That was what the monitor screen said. It's appearance, unbidden, on my display had woken me from my light slumber as I lay on my couch with my DS on my chest. The battery had obviously died some time before. I was so tired when I had been playing I actually had no idea what I had been doing or what progress I may have lost.

At least I thought the text on the screen had appeared. I could picture it, but now the screen was blank. I half remembered that actually that was the beginning of a movie, so maybe it hadn't happened at all?

I stumbled into the kitchen, drew a glass of water, tipped some cereal into a bowl and sat down. The milk looked okay and I'd only bought it a couple of days before, but I still unscrewed the cap and gave the contents a sniff, automatically. Some habits you just get used to.

That day -- more than any other day -- I was strangely aware of my senses. The floor, between the kitchen table and the fridge had a slightly tacky patch. Not actually sticky, but maybe a place where a spill had once happened and been cleaned up, leaving only the faintest of adhesive traces. One end of the room seemed slightly darker, as though perhaps the bulb on that side of the fitting was on its way out. Condensation had formed on the tap spout where the cold water had escaped its confines for the alternative comforts of my glass.

There could be any number of reasons for my heightened feelings on that day. But, the reason I prefer to cling to is because that was the day I was about to have my eyes opened to a new world.

I've always been a gamer. From my earliest memories I recall slipping into an alternative world of adventure and intrigue on the other side of the screen. For me games have always enabled me to lose myself in an alternative reality. Much more than film with its fixed view on the action and its set narrative. The only other route I have ever found as effective for escaping from this world is books. It's not for everyone, but for the confident reader the barrier of the ink on the page melts away and the words and ideas are transported directly into the brain; to fire the imagination and to create a witness eye view on events that are unique to the reader.

The problem with games has been the thing it shares with film: the screen. In spite of its ability to display incredible vistas, gravity-defying moves, heart-breaking empathy and deep intrigue, it is the screen that reminds us we are trapped. Trapped in a world of mundanity, tethered to practicality and shackled to domestic limitation.

The screen gives us window into a world that is more alive and that accepts fewer excuses for what "cannot be done" within the bounds of physical reality.

That day was the day a man came who took the barrier away and enabled me to soar in the skies, as I used to in my childhood dreams.


If I could not be sure that I had seen the cryptic movie pastiche on my monitor I was in little doubt as to the reality of the card that had been pushed through my door.

It was clearly meant to serve as a business- or calling-card; however, it's dimensions were more reminiscent of a playing card. That certainly grabbed my attention. It featured a simple "?" mark.

I turned the card over, half anticipating something from the world of literary cliché: the ace of spades maybe, or the Tarot figure of Death grinning up at me. Instead, the reverse of the card featured a simple typed message: a local address and a time.

Looking at my watch I saw that I had just enough time to get ready and get to this meeting. There could be no question of my not following this invitation. Not only was the "?" mark on the card reminiscent of the prize boxes in Super Mario, but I couldn't help but think that if I had slept any longer I would not have been able to make this appointment; I thought back to those ghostly words on my screen.

I walked down to the docks. The address I had been given was for a waterfront warehouse, next to a small cafe. I decided I had no time for a tea break and headed inside. I was too excited about the wonder of this invitation to delay.

In the centre of the room stood a tall, imposing man in a long, black, leather coat. Beside him on a table was what appeared to be a Nintendo DS.

"Welcome, Geo" the man intoned. "I am glad to meet you. I believe that you are a man with a problem. A problem I hope to solve."

I nodded my head, "you're talking about the games."

"I'm talking about the reality you create for yourself, Geo. You who have always loved the excitement of exploring other worlds and doing things that no person could hope to experience in reality but who always feels like you are kept on the outside. Are you ready to go deeper into the game?"

I frowned, trying to understand. "You're talking about increased immersion?"

He replied, quickly, "I'm talking about reality, Geo. What is real? If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. If you can convince your brain that an image you are seeing is in three dimensions -- 'appears' solid -- then who is to say it is not real?"

He held up his hand dramatically and I could see that he was holding a pair of old-style 3D glasses, with coloured lenses. "You have a choice," he announced, "look through the blue lens and you will see the world as it has always been, flat and dull ... ummm..." he faltered, "and looking a bit blue..."

I raised my eyes to the ceiling. The dramatic mood had been broken.

He continued unabated, "look through the red lens and you'll see, well, exactly the same thing." I think he sensed he was losing me, as he went on, hurriedly, "but if you look through both -- here's the thing -- it also changes nothing! What I am about to show you doesn't require glasses." He threw them over his shoulder and they landed in a puddle of water leaked from somewhere high in the ceiling.

He opened up the machine on the table. "This," he declared, "is the Nintendo 3DS and it will show you a world of which you have only dreamed." He stuck out a hand towards me, palm up, "the card, please."

I reached into my pocket and recovered the calling-card that had been pushed through my door. As I placed the card down on the table, "?" mark facing up, he handed me the 3DS and I focused on the image of the card on the screen. It wasn't like looking through a camera lens. It was like seeing the table in front of me with fresh eyes. A 3D viewport onto the world as it is. Then the 3DS showed me the world as it could be: the card unfurled, revealing a deep recess in the table. A dragon head on a long neck extended out and toward me.


I was reeling, "but this is incredible!" I called out.

"Patience, Geo," he said, raising a hand "I agree this is impressive, but the dragon is only to demonstrate that the world is not necessarily as you see it. Let me show you what you are really here to see; what you really came to do..."

*****

I felt myself soaring high above the ground, floating over the sea and onward, ever toward my target. The clouds parted and I saw the world laid out before me. It was like the world, only at the same time not like it. It wasn't drab, grey and mundane -- this was a world inhabited by living colour as though the sea was trying to be as blue as it could be and the grass exerting itself to be the greenest grass the world had ever seen.

The world was so ... if I had to settle for a word, I'd have to go with 'real'. Not the kind of real I expected. It was not our world reproduced on the screen. If anything it was the reverse. It was as though the world of the games had been made solid and brought into our reality. Before, these places had always seemed like colourful sketches in some framed picture I could never enter. Now they lived and breathed in three dimensions and it was like seeing a cartoon hero come to life.

The flying itself was breathtaking. The ease with which I could soar through floating rings seemed to come naturally to my fingers and I glided over the beautiful island paradise and landed the aircraft gently on the waves exactly as I had been taught.

The dream changed and I found myself hanging in the sky, held aloft by a jetpack. It was a fun variation on the controls required by the plane and I propelled myself forward, through balloons onward towards the goal.


The dream changed once more -- now I was whooshing over the mountaintop, suspended from a hang-glider. The world was so deep and so intense and I wanted to explore every part of it, but I felt myself being pulled away.

I blinked and found myself back in the room with the stranger.

"How was it?" he asked me.

"I feel," I struggled to find the words, "I feel like I've held a world in my hands, a world that I can enter whenever I choose and fly over, under, through and across. I want to explore every inch of that world from my vantage point in the sky. It felt real. It was almost too deep. Sometimes I felt like the gulf of depth was too massive and I wanted it to feel a bit flatter... incredible."

I rubbed at my eyelids, "why do my eyes hurt?"

The figure looked at me poignantly, "because you've never used them before."

I made to pick up the Nintendo 3DS again. I desperately wanted to fly some more.

He stopped me. "That is all you can see for now. It is time for you to return home."

I was incredulous, "but I've just seen the most incredible things! I've seen the world of games as it could be and I'm not sure if I can return to the other side of the screen! I want to spend more time here and see more and fly more..."

He nodded, kindly, "the world you seek is coming soon, Geo. It is only a few short weeks away and you will be able to return to the real side of the screen again. For now, you must spread the word that others may be enlightened."

*****

My alarm clock beeped loudly and I awoke. I could hear the rain lashing against the glass.

I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and, in doing so, I remembered the adventure with the Nintendo 3DS. I remembered getting my pilot wings and soaring high above the ground.

I looked out of the window and could see blue sky breaking between the grey clouds. I had had the most incredible adventure, journeyed to a colourful world and flown... and then had it taken away before I was ready; before I had had a chance to see it all.

The memory felt like the aftertaste of a sweet dessert in my mouth. In my heart I knew I was desperate to fly again. It had all felt so real to me.

It couldn't have been a dream, could it?

Novel Gamer Episode Five - Infinite Space, or "Reaching Infinite Space"

This is the fifth episode of the popular online alternative review column "Novel Gamer", part of Game People, which specialises in real world, alternative and artistic reviews. Don't forget that a podcast is also available from the source of this article, here.

This week, a young man - who lives on a planet where space travel is forbidden - dreams of visiting the stars. One day, he gets his change: can the reality live up to the expectation?

Chapter the first: Comrades and coincidence

My name is Yuri and I have always dreamed of leaving my home planet and reaching for the stars. Last night I witnessed a raging battle in the heavens.

At first I thought it was a shooting star. That was, until I realised it was growing larger and heading toward me. It crashed mere metres from where I was standing and I could see that it was a star-ship, badly damaged.

I climbed in to see if there were any survivors.

She was lying across the command console; she was beautifully drawn, if you know what I mean. I climbed down and helped her out of her craft.

"Typical men," she exclaimed, "a few quick shots and they're gone."

Right, I thought, is that how this is going to be? First thing I've heard anyone say and this is the level I'm to expect?

"Oh sorry," she says, "I've just been shot down. Not feeling myself. My name is Nia."

"Are you a launcher?" I asked, excitedly. Launchers were known for providing people who wanted to go into space with passage and a good start to their freelance adventures.


Nia cocked her head on one side and looked at me, "where'd you get that from?"

"Well," I explained, "I’m an orphan, living on a planet where space travel is totally banned, who dreams of flying off into the stars. I’m really hoping that - on top of the infinitesimal probability of a space craft crashing right in front of me - the first person I’ve ever met from space turns out to be a 'launcher’."

She raised an eyebrow. "Have you any idea what the chances against that kind of coincidence are?"

Not put off, I persisted, "Well, are you?"

Her incredulous look turned to a frown, "as it happens, I am. But, so help me, Grus, if there doesn't turn out to be a really good plot reason for this coincidence..."

I cheered, heartily.

"Anyway," Nia sighed, "I can't go anywhere. My ship is busted up and it would be stretching the realms of possibility if the one person I crashed in front of happens to be a 16-year old prodigy when it comes to fixing star-drives and single-handedly welding the shattered hull of a 40-tonne star-ship back together."

I just looked at her and grinned.



Chapter the second: Freedoms and Peons

We left my home world behind and flew out into space, heading for a planet where I could buy my own ship. I pawned my one and only possession: a relic of great interest and plot-propelling mystery left for me by my long-dead father.

My first ship was not at all what I was expecting.

Nia's ship seemed small, homely and just the sort of place to learn about flying; the ship we bought for me was a 320m long destroyer, with a crew of 200 people. 200! I'm only 16 and I've never been in space before; how could I suddenly manage 200 people! We sat down for a drink so I could talk to Nia about my concerns.

"Don't worry about them," Nia assured me, "you don't need to worry too much about the crew. We don't see them a lot."


"What!?" I exclaimed, suddenly gulping my tea, "I don't ever meet any of my crew?"

"Oh, it's not like that. If you meet anyone with a name they can be recruited as officers and placed in specific command roles. But, yeah, the general crew are just... sorta... there..."

"But these people are going to live and die at my command!" I protested.

"Just make sure you fit crew quarters and a mess hall and they'll be fine. Maybe a doctor to patch them up to get back into battle." She shrugged.

I spluttered my tea all over the Navigation console. "I don't even PAY them?" I gasped.

"Look," Nia became exasperated, "you'll have enough on your plate wandering around the universe 'finding yourself' without having to think of the welfare of 200 people you'll never meet."

"But... that's... SLAVERY!"

"Oh give it a rest."

I was starting to feel that this life was not going to be as glamorous as I had hoped. Still, I thought, at least we can put this ship to good use. There must be oppressed masses to free, princesses to save and historical ruins to explore.

"So, what's our first mission?" I relaxed and took a big mouthful of warm, re-assuring tea.

Nia didn't even look up, "oh, um, we're going to knock over a commercial transport full of luxury goods."

She was still wringing tea out of her hair ten minutes later.



Chapter the third: In control and out of control

If the realities of this life and the story in which I found myself are stretching the limits of my credulity and morality, these challenges were as nothing compared to the practicalities of actually living this life.

"Have you decided what to call your ship, Yuri?" Nia asked cheerfully.

"Yeah, Amistad."

"Oh, don't start!"

The star-ship controls seemed to have been designed by two or more people who didn't like to talk to each other. A feature labelled Anti-Ship on the Fire Control System seems to report this same statistic as "Dexterity" during battle (whatever that means). Overall the whole experience of controlling my fleet was extremely awkward. A misunderstanding over the quirks of "saving" (some sort of backup process, Nia assures me) resulting in me having to repeat much of my journey multiple times.

Compared to my dreams of piloting a star-ship the reality was kinda dull.

"Nia?"

"Yes" she looked up, wearily.

"I thought space battles would be all manoeuvres, tactics and daring?"

"And?" she asked, nonplussed.


"I seem to spend most of my time using Excel. I've stared at more comparative rows of figures than... I don't know when and even though I'm adjusting the ship's attack strength and speed it doesn't seem to have any direct relation to my ability in battle. And, battle's another gripe. I thought it would be a cunning battle of wits, but it's mostly just a case of waiting for the other bloke to turn his back and then pressing a big red button. Admittedly I have 2 buttons to push and they have their pros and cons but it's just... not..."

"Go on," Nia said kindly, "say it."

"It's just not Battlestar Galactica."

"Would you like to try Melee battle?" she offers kindly.

"Ooh what's that?"

"That's where we board the enemy ship and, using the whole crew we -- please don't look at me like that -- using the whole crew we fight hand to hand until either crew is totally slaughtered." Nia smiled, sweetly.

"Well," I really wasn't sure if this was such a good idea, but I thought it might break up the repetitive battle I was in the middle of, "let's try it."

We drew the ship alongside the enemy and all piled aboard.

Our crew stood in ranks, fearlessly facing the opposition. The enemy crew had also assembled line after line of grinning, toothless and battle-scarred pirates. Neither side knew fear, intimidation or had any doubt that they would fight to their last breath for their Captain.

"Ready," came the first barked order.

"Aim," both crews tensed.

"Scissors!" my crew began attacking with scissors. On this day, fortune smiled and the enemy had planned their first barrage using paper! Oh how the gods of war smiled upon this...

"Hang on!" I shouted. All 200 warriors stopped and looked at me. I looked at Nia with a suspicious expression. "Is this just rock, paper, scissors?"

"Well, no," she explained, "there are three commands, Leader, Shoot and Slash and they..." she paused.

"Are basically just a big game of rock, paper, scissors?" I asked.

"It’s better than that," she said, "Your enemy is so predictable after a couple of games you can predict which they are going to use next. Assuming, that is, that the enemy just doesn’t decide to continuously retreat until you get fed up and go back to firing on their ship."

"But," I kept on questioning, "my feeling is -- and do forgive me if this question seems a little bit basic -- that that is complete rubbish?"

"Well I'm sorry," Nia retorted, hurt showing on her face, "that's just how things are out here!"

I was so disappointed. Space looked so exciting. The ships were gloriously presented, the actions in battle were smooth and film-like and space even sounded glorious -- everywhere we went a thrilling score accompanied us.

But, in the midst of all this I spent most of my time fighting a bad control system, staring at numbers, re-using battle tactics and playing rock, paper, bloody scissors!

"Well," I sighed, "I've come this far. I'll stick with you for now; but, if it doesn't get more any more interesting I'm going back home to my Pokemon breeding."

"Fair enough," said Nia and took my hand. "Ooh, they're about to use 'shoot', you should switch to 'slash'."

I was aware of the sound of my teeth grinding together. "Swords against infantry? How does that even work....?"

The Nintendo 3DS: My experiences at the Bristol Pre-Launch event

I had the chance on Feb 13th to see the Nintendo 3DS in action at a venue called Arnolphini in Bristol. It's one of those art gallery / coffee bar / small theatre / cinema venues that sit so beautifully in the regenerated areas of a city. Sitting alongside the quayside, it's a cool - if surprisingly anonymous - place for Nintendo to show off their latest hardware.

It was an opportunity I had to take up - I've been a huge fan of what Nintendo has achieved with the DS. With the prospect of potentially immersive 3D gaming without glasses combined with a boost in processor power, I really couldn't wait until the 25th March (Nintendo 3DS release date in the UK) to see if it would meet my expectations.

The event itself was very well presented. It was handled admirably by Nintendo's chosen PR company - there were few representatives of Nintendo proper but the staff on hand seem to be very well informed about the console and related facts around release. The building was filled with about 50 Nintendo 3DS consoles so there was plenty of opportunity to get hands-on an try out a number of titles.

Greeted by a historical display of Nintendo's successful handhelds in display cases (the Virtual Boy, Nintendo's last attempt at a 3D gaming device, was notable in its absence), entertained by a very credible live theatre of Street Fighter IV, taken through an immersive Resident Evil interactive drama, forced to endure a Jonathan Ross video face-check we were eventually led into a room full of 3DS units in clear illuminated pillars which reminded me of classic Doctor Who sets.

There were a nice range of games to try out in here. The 3D effect of the Nintendo 3DS' screen impresses immediately, regardless of the game. Street Fighter IV offers great a great depth-of-field illusion; Steel Diver, a submarine combat game, provides beautiful immersion while undertaking Periscope target-shooting; Pilotwings Resort generates a soaring feeling of exploration while flying through hoops and popping balloons. Raving Rabbids Travel In Time, from the little I played of it, doesn't use the 3D to enhance the platform game-play, but the sense of depth of the landscape stretching into the distance is compelling and the depth information helps with the old problem of telling the platforms apart from the scenery. My other half seemed quite taken with Ridge Racer 3D.

Interestingly there is no catch-all experience for the 3D on this console. Each title seems to offer a different feel. Generally speaking I felt comfortable with the full 3D setting for each game, but for some reason I felt most comfortable with Pilotwings at about 60% strength. More time with this console should help me get to grips with the reason for this.

So that deals with the stuff I expected to get from this event. Now for the things which the Nintendo 3DS threw at me which I genuinely did not expect.

The 3DS offers a few AR (Augmented Reality) experiences. Bundled with the 3DS, Face Raiders offers a quirky shooter in which the enemies are based on a photo of your own face. You physically turn to locate and aim at the enemy, which are superimposed over a 3D video feed of your own surroundings (using the outer camera). Missed shots knock holes in the live scenery to show outer space beyond. In a nice touch, face photos of other 3DS users nearby also appear in the game (presumably via wi-fi) and can be freed and collected. It's a great touch that the captured image of your face is distorted to form frowns and villain-gurning to become the evil enemies.

The 3DS' sense of motion control is unrivalled, in my opinion. It's ability to rotate with you is pin-sharp and provides real immersion when combined with the 3D display. The only trick is maintaining your own viewing angle to the screen when moving, to avoid breaking the 3D effect.

Similarly, the other AR game (as yet untitled to my knowledge) involved laying a card (about the size of a playing card) down on a surface and pointing the camera at it. Once calibrated, the screen shows, targets, creatures and holes forming on the real-world surface presented. The effect is remarkable and the requirement to move around the object to attack targets from multiple sides is a great addition. While the game does moan at you if you move out of the optimum distance to the target card it didn't seem to stop it working. The realtime distortion effects on the real world objects is very laudable.

The other AR-style quirk I enjoyed was the automatic Mii generator. It's always a slightly inexact science trying to generate one's own avatar (assuming you wish for a cartoon replica of yourself) and it always generates arguments between friends and couples. With the 3DS, the internal camera can be used to take a picture of your face and then the software generates an appropriate (and pretty accurate!) Mii.

The big surprise which 3DS delivered is the promise of 3D films on the console. As well as arrangements in development with the major film studio to deliver 3D films via 3DS cartridge, there is also the prospect of 3D TV feeds via a Sky application - usable with or without a home Sky subscription. This goes a long way to making the Nintendo 3DS a highly credible multi-media device, something which previous iterations of the DS have failed to achieve.

All things considered it now seems a very long wait until the 25th March. Some of the highlights won't be available for day one, it seems: even though I couldn't drag my eyes off the rolling 3D videos of Starfox and Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater, these are a little way from completion.

As for the cost, I think its pretty reasonable, considering what Nintendo are delivering with this console - and with the apparent generosity of the built-in games it offers pretty good value for money, in my opinion at least.

You can read more thoughts about the Nintendo 3DS and reviews on the games as they become available at http://www.gamepeople.co.uk

One of these people is not a character in Resident Evil 3DS. See if you can guess which.